Riki Wilchins

For trans people, these times are a nightmare come true. 

Every day for the past four years seems to have brought news of a new state law or policy aimed at us. And just when we thought it couldn’t get any worse, the federal government has jumped on us, too. 

Even those of us who are relatively privileged — white, educated, or middle class—now live every day looking over our shoulders. Not since the days of the gay roundups and purges of the 1950s and the Black Civil Rights Movement of the 1960s has the government been wielded this intentionally to terrorize its own people. 

So here are six ways you can put your trans allyship on steroids (pun intended) for these terrible times. 

I have always hated the word “ally” because it separates us even in the act of coming together. I don’t really believe in the gay/trans split anyway. About 11% of LGBTQ+ adults are nonbinary in some way, and your gaydar is really all about gender, anyway. 

If sexual orientation and gender aren’t the same, they’re certainly kissin’ cousins. Which brings me to my first tip:

1. Don’t assume transgender people are those people over there 

It’s not just that trans people are everywhere (although we are); it’s that all queer people are to some degree transgender. From a guy who bottoms to Dykes on Bikes – they’re all doing behaviors that don’t fit social expectations for birth-assigned sex. 

And remember when you wished you had bigger boobs, or you could bulk up, or you dieted for two years because you really wanted to be thinner? You’ve experienced some trans-like discomforts with your body’s gendered features, too. So start by checking your cisgender-ness at the door and consider all the little ways you might be just a wee bit genderqueer yourself. 

2. Rethink your gender aesthetics

Yes, I know at six feet tall with my short hair and deep-ish voice I don’t seem like a “Real Woman,” to you. I know because even when you use my politically correct “she” and “her” pronouns when I’m nearby, the invisible air quotes around them are so big they practically knock me over the head. 

But stop for a moment and consider what you think men and women should look like and why. Consider that perhaps my being funny-looking to you is more a product of your own unconscious gender prejudices than my being some sort of gendered failure. Maybe people like me are what women could look like if we lowered the gender barriers a bit. Better yet, consider that sorting all 7 billion of us on Spaceship Earth in two narrow boxes was pretty dumb to begin with. (Don’t look at me— it wasn’t my idea.)

3. Offer to join me in the women’s room

It’s illegal now in about half the states and in any federal building for trans people to use the restroom that matches their gender. This is especially problematic for trans women since a lot of us don’t look like cisgender women (see tip #3). 

When a group of people goes out, nearly everyone needs to go to the bathroom at some point. Except me. When I go out with my family, I fortunately seldom have to pee. So when I announce I need to go, I’m always hugely relieved when my wife or daughter or a friend says they’ll go with me. 

For some reason, having a cisgender friend with you as you walk into the women’s room has about the same effects on TERFs and MAGA women as Kryptonite does on Superman; it somehow inoculates us from the usual stink-eye and comments. 

4. Give your freakin’ pronouns

I know. I feel awkward doing this, too. As my favorite moral philosopher, Texas Sen. Ted Cruz (R), once said, “My pronouns are Kiss My Ass.” But as much as it feels funny when I see a kid I think might be trans or even just genderqueer, I always introduce myself avec mes pronoms. I want them to know affirmatively they’re with a safe adult who gets them. Because many adults in their lives probably don’t. And no matter what their gender appears to be to me, I make an effort to get their pronouns right, also. You should too. 

5. Believe trans kids

A now-estranged MAGA cousin of mine once asked me, “Are you telling me that kids who aren’t old enough to drive or buy a beer are old enough to decide to get medical care that changes their bodies?” Strangely enough, the correct answer is: Yes! But it’s not only MAGA-heads who are skeptical about trans kids. Lots of gay people who consider themselves total progressives still get an icky feeling about supporting adolescents who want to take puberty blockers or hormones. They’ve heard all the scare stories about “regret” and detransition, and they’re deeply ambivalent about the whole thing. 

They shouldn’t be. Remember when you were five and “just knew” that you were gay? We know early like that, too. And some kind-but-clueless adult probably suggested to you it was “just a phase” and you might “grow out of it.” But in your heart you knew it was a lifetime gig, didn’t you? We feel that, too. The truth is, regret rates among trans kids are 1% or less. We may experiment for a while, just like you did, but once we realize who and what we are, gender identity seems to be as innate and fixed as sexual orientation. 

6. Stop believing the New York Times

If you’re reading this, chances are you read the news (good for you!) and you’ve read a story by or quoting the Times. Unfortunately, in these MAGA-inspired times, my beloved NYT has become the main cheerleader for trans skepticism. One example: In 2022, it ran a lengthy piece on how “dangerous” and “risky” hormone blockers were to the health of trans kids. Then a few months later, it ran a piece about how risky and dangerous it was for cisgender girls experiencing early onset puberty to NOT take the same blockers (I am not making this up).  

I’m not saying cancel your subscription (although, come to think of it, that might be a pretty dope ally move too), but please point your skepticism at the publication and not at trans kids.  About as many of us regret being trans and detransition back to “playing for the other team” as gay people who decide they were actually wrong and really heterosexual all along. 

And how many of those do you know? 

Me neither. 

Riki Wilchins runs a news ticker on trans stories as they break at @rikiwilchins.bsky.social. Her latest book is BAD INK: How the NYTimes SOLD OUT Transgender Teens .