Chang Casal

For people who are not LGBTQ, it can be difficult to understand what being a straight ally means. Some might think that allies just need to be supporters and nothing more, but there’s actually a lot more that goes into being an ally.

In this post, we’ll break down what it means to be a straight ally and explain why they’re so important in the fight for equality.

What Is A ‘Straight Ally’? Meaning Of The Term

“Ally” describes a person who is “not a member of a marginalized or mistreated group but who expresses or gives support to that group.”

Thus, to be an LGBTQ ally – meaning someone who does not identify as LGBTQ but recognizes the unique challenges faced by members of the community – is to be a straight and/or cisgender person who speaks up for and stands with LGBTQ people against discrimination, oppression, and violence.

What Does Being A Straight Ally Entail?

According to the education organization GLSEN, there is more to being an ally than simply identifying as one. Being a fierce and proud ally, which involves taking on the responsibility to continue growing and learning about the LGBTQ community, entails a lot of hard work – especially today, as LGBTQ people continue to face pushback from conservative groups and legislators.

So, what does “straight ally” mean in the context of 2022?

It’s true that significant progress has been made toward achieving equality for LGBTQ people around the world. Today, same-sex marriage is legal in 31 countries. However, that’s just the tip of the iceberg. In many countries, it is still legal to discriminate against someone on the basis of sex and gender.

In the US, transgender and gender non-conforming people, in particular, continue to face significant discrimination in employment, medicine, and housing. Thus, they are far more likely to experience unemployment, houselessness, mental illness, substance abuse, as well as have insufficient access to gender-affirming healthcare. Today, transgender athletes are also facing bans from girls’ and women’s sports programs in 10 states.

Part of the problem that LGBTQ people face in fighting discriminatory policies and legislation is the lack of representation in the legal system. This is why it’s so important for the LGBTQ community to have straight allies in positions of power who can use their voice and privilege to help enact change.

How Can You Be A Better Straight Ally?

There is a lot of debate on what good allyship looks like. Individuals and corporations have co-opted the LGBTQ movement to lift themselves up and paint themselves as progressive to gain sympathy and bank on “pink money” or the purchasing power of the LGBTQ community.

Take, for example, the dozens of corporations that decorate their company logos with rainbows and project empty messages of equality and support come Pride month – all without doing much else for the community. Another example is celebrities who use LGBTQ imagery in their work, queerbaiting fans by hinting they could be gay without explicitly saying so, and making vague sentiments about acceptance.

Taylor Swift was famously criticized back in 2019 for her music video “You Need to Calm Down”, which features an explosion of rainbows and dozens of LGBTQ celebrity cameos. Critics have panned the video as an act of “performed allyship”. New York Times pop music critic Wesley Morris wrote of “the riot of auxiliary personalities – gay personalities – [being] in the service of her brand and persona.”

As Vox puts it, “There are two kinds of “allies”: those who lift up the queer community, and those who seem most concerned with lifting up themselves.” So, how do you become part of the former group? Here are four tips for becoming a better ally:

1. Be Curious And Open-Minded

If you already know the basic concepts of what it means to be gay, bisexual, transgender, non-binary, asexual, etc., that’s great! But you should also recognize that there is no one way to be any of those things. LGBTQ people have different experiences and perspectives, and things like class, race, sex, gender, disability, and nationality can put can compound one’s experience of discrimination and oppression.

The LGBTQ movement is also relatively new, and many people are only beginning to find the terms and concepts to describe themselves. So, always be willing to learn about new identities and experiences.

2. Learn To ‘Pass The Mic’

Or as GLSEN puts it, “speak up, not over”. As an ally, it’s important to speak up for the marginalized and oppressed, especially if people in positions of power are trying to silence them.

However, it’s also important to let LGBTQ people advocate for themselves and tell their own stories. Thus, the idea of “passing the mic” to LGBTQ people who may feel afraid to speak or who aren’t given the opportunity to do so. Uplift the voices of activists and advocates and give way to them in discussions that concern them.

3. Recognize Your Privilege

As a straight and/or cisgender person, you are inherently more privileged than someone who isn’t. That means you may not know what it means to be denied certain rights, you may have certain safety nets that others do not, and blind spots that you can’t even recognize immediately.

Understanding this allows you to better empathize with others and helps you figure out how to uplift marginalized people without centering yourself in the conversation.

4. Take Action

You can’t just identify as an ally and call it a day. Being nice to LGBTQ people is great and all, but it’s the bare minimum of allyship.

Put your privilege into action by:

• Speaking up against discriminatory remarks or oppressive policies at school, work, or in social situations;
• Calling out your friends for making offensive jokes, even when there are no LGBTQ people around
• Showing up to protests and Pride events. Remember, there is strength in numbers.

The Bottomline

So, what does it mean to be a straight ally? It means standing up for your LGBTQ friends and family members, even when it’s not easy. It means using your privilege to help others, and speaking out against discrimination and hate. And it means being there for your queer friends, always.

If you want to be a better straight ally, start by educating yourself on the issues that affect LGBTQ people.

If you’ve ever felt like monogamy wasn’t for you, know that you’re not alone. In a study by the Kinsey Institute, 81 percent of respondents said they fantasized about open relationships at least once in their lives. And at least one in five Americans have entered some kind of consensual non-monogamous relationship.

Polyamory – or the practice of dating multiple partners at once – has, for the most part, been on the fringes of what most people consider as “normal” dating behavior. After all, the concept of monogamy has been reinforced for time immemorial by religion, government, films, TV shows, and music. So much so that most people do assume it to be the default, normal way to have romantic relationships.

But, in recent years, more and more people have begun to recognize non-monogamy as an option that’s just as real and valid as its counterpart. Even big celebrities like Willow Smith, Nico Tortorella, and Bella Thorne have opened up about their experiences with non-monogamy and how it’s worked out for them.

But how do you actually know if polyamory is right for you? How do you answer the question “Am I polyamorous?” without even having experienced it? Here, you’ll find four important questions to ask yourself before you begin testing the waters that will, hopefully, help you gain a better understanding of the practice and whether it’s something that could work for you.

Related: How does ethical non-monogamy work? All your questions answered

What Is Polyamory?

The word “polyamory” comes from the Greek term “poly”, which means “many”, and the Latin word “amor”, which means “love.” So, a polyamorous person could be described as someone who is capable of falling in love and maintaining romantic relationships with more than one person at a time.

Polyamory is just one type of ethical non-monogamy – an umbrella term for dating practices and relationship structures where people date or have sex with multiple people with the consent of their partners. Essentially, ethically non-monogamous relationships are diametrically opposed to monogamous relationships, which emphasize that partners stay faithful to one and only one partner at a time.

One of the biggest misconceptions about ENM is that it’s an excuse for cheating. However, there is a key distinction between the two. Cheating involves one partner entering a romantic or sexual relationship with another person without their partner’s consent. In an ethically non-monogamous relationship, however, everyone involved needs to enthusiastically consent to the dynamic – hence, the term “ethical”. It’s a dynamic that gives partners the freedom to be involved with more than one person in a way that’s mutually satisfying and enjoyable.

Am I Polyamorous Test: 4 Questions To Ask Yourself

So how do you know if polyamory is right for you? Based on what experts have said about the practice, these are some of the questions you should be asking yourself.

Take note: This isn’t exactly your typical “Am I polyamorous” quiz because there won’t be a grade or score by the end. What these questions are meant to do is help you recognize some of the signs that may be difficult to catch because of how much society normalizes monogamy. Some of these questions are also meant to prepare you for some of the more challenging realities of being in a polyamorous relationship.

1. Have you ever wrestled with commitment issues?

A lot of polyamorous people can tend to feel “trapped” in monogamous relationships, feeling like they’re being robbed of their chances to explore potential relationships with other people. So, they can end up resenting their partners and cheating.

Unfortunately, compulsory monogamy – or the idea that monogamy is the only option or the “endgame” in terms of romantic relationships – reinforces the idea that commitment issues are just something to get over, rather than a sign that perhaps monogamy isn’t the right fit for some people.

2. Have you experienced falling in love with or having crushes on multiple people at the same time?

This is perhaps the most obvious sign that you’re polyamorous. “Polyamorous people believe you can love multiple people”, says sex and relationship therapist Renee Divine. “They’re open to additional people in that way, and they want that emotional attachment. Plural love is the main focus.”

This is an important distinction to make between other types of non-monogamy because some people only seek out other partners for sexual variety. These types of people tend to have high sex drives and enjoy having different kinds of sexual relationships.

But polyamory is more than just sex – it involves emotional intimacy as well. If you don’t think you can be romantically involved with more than one person, then perhaps you’re better suited to consensual non-monogamy (like open relationships or swinger-type relationships) than polyamorous relationships.

Polyamorous people also tend to believe that one person cannot fulfill all of their needs. It’s not just about being attracted to multiple people, it’s also about acknowledging that you may have varied needs that you can’t necessarily get from just one partner – and that is okay.

3. Are you okay with the idea of your partner seeing other people?

Depending on the kind of polyamorous relationship you enter – and there are many different types – you may have to share your partner with other people. Will this feel like a betrayal to you, or do you think it’s something that you can be comfortable with?

For polyamorous people (at least those who aren’t solo poly), it’s necessary to be able to get to a place where you can be okay with or even be happy for your partner when they date other people. That feeling has a name, and it’s called “compersion”. It can be described as “the happiness in knowing your partner is happy”. For some, seeing their partners date other people can even be a turn-on.

Of course, jealousy does still happen in polyamorous relationships. Polyamorous people just learn to communicate their feelings and find the root causes of their jealousy – otherwise, it could jeopardize their relationships.

“Jealousy can be broken down to determine what your real concerns are,” says social worker Stephanie M. Sullivan. And in many instances, jealousy has less to do with your partner’s feelings and behaviors and more to do with your own insecurities. According to researchers, jealousy can stem from factors like low self-esteem, feelings of insecurity in your relationship and possessiveness, and an anxious attachment style.

4. Are you comfortable communicating your fears, insecurities, boundaries, and limitations?

While you can be drawn to polyamory even if you’re not exactly the best communicator or the best at setting boundaries, there are some important aspects for maintaining healthy and successful polyamorous relationships:

• Having the ability to be open and honest about your feelings
• Being emotionally available
• Knowing how to set, reinforce, and respect boundaries
• Knowing how to regulate your emotions

“Whatever your personal buttons are, polyamory will almost certainly push them”, Ginny Brown writes for Everyday Feminism. Because of this, it’s good to start working on your personal issues before you try polyamory.

Am I Ready For Polyamory?

Polyamory is not easy. Poly people face a lot of judgment and confusion because most of us have been raised to believe that monogamy is the one and only way to have romantic relationships. Maintaining poly relationships can also be time-consuming and emotionally taxing, considering all the variables you have to deal with.

Despite that, for some people, polyamory is the only option for a decent shot at being happy. And that shouldn’t be something to be ashamed of!